What’s the Most Polite Way to Play Someone

One thing you learn when you socialize with a lot of people, especially people who aren’t your close friends is that people will often do, say, or insinuate things that you at best don’t agree with at worst make you wanna smack them with both sides of your hand and tell them they’re the type of idiot that personifies everything that’s wrong with the world. The problem is that we were raised to have manners and show respect. This is a long-winded way of saying we’ve been taught to be polite and avoid confrontations. It’s considered disrespectful to discredit or embarrass people in public. Luckily for some of us who don’t particularly enjoy biting our tongues, there’s a loophole in this unwritten law. It’s the weapon of choice for the passive aggressive as well as the more clever conversationalists who realize that insinuation and subtext communicate more efficiently than direct rebuttals do. When you do it politely it’s met with much less resistance too. Witty and I thought of a couple of examples, but we’re sure you have more.

T.Q. Fuego:

1) Ask them simple questions- The most efficient and respectful way to show someone that they’re wrong or impractical is to ask questions that force them to examine their own flawed logic or bad strategy. “What incentive does she have to do that for you?” or “Why would he voluntarily give away that privilege?” “How can you be sure of that?” When you subtly challenge the person to have to answer you out loud and verbalize their own lack of practicality you don’t even have to say what society would frown on you for saying directly. They get it now.

2) Give them short or blunt answers (after they were very verbose and specific with you)- This is one that some people do unintentionally. Some folks just don’t communicate using a lot of words. These people are often seen as either assholish, insensitive, deep, mysterious, unintelligent, regal, stoic, or aloof depending on the situation and the person. Either way, when someone speaks from the heart with passion and puts all their effort into communicating a point or perspective and you just reply with a short phrase or one word answer, that’s one of the most subtly (and for some folks unintentionally) assholish messages you could send to someone. The subtext is usually one of the following. “I honestly don’t care that much about what you’re talking about, but clearly you do.” “I disagree but don’t find you or your asinine opinion worth my time or effort.” “You just made that way more complicated than it actually is” “I stopped listening” Either way this technique is the stealthy asshole’s favorite move.

Witty P:

1) Agree With Them- Get out your sarcasm sauce and lay it on THICK. Feign epiphany, hit your head and with the most distressed expression you can muster, ask them, “Why the hell didn’t I think of that? I feel like an idiot for failing to possess your clear wisdom all of this time, ALL OF THIS TIME! Man, thank god I have you here to clarify life for me.” Now with all of that thick sarcasm sauce, be sure to sprinkle on some sincerity, or what appears to be sincerity. They won’t know what to believe and thus will proceed to shut the hell up, as they should, my friend, as they should.

2) Dig Even Deeper- This is the opposite and perhaps more entertaining suggestion to Mr. Fuego’s last. Instead of being short, out-wind their long windedness. Give insanely detailed, preferably irrelevant examples to “prove your point”. Explain in detail why summer sun flares reaching towards the southern hemisphere are the clear culprit of a woman’s PMS. Get scientific and leave no detail out in your absurd explanation. If your verbal opponent is an absolute idiot, they will listen and try to decipher what the hell it is you are saying and how to properly refute which is simply hilarious and highly entertaining. If they have a tad bit more sense and social awareness they will pick up on the covert disrespect and shut the hell up, as they should my friend, as they should.

What’s your favorite tactic to completely discredit someone when the situation has simply passed the point of any logical, mature communication, or when… your jerkface juice just flares up!?! What can I say? These things happen!

Click To Comment...

In light of the natural disaster in Oklahoma, my facebook news feed, as I’m sure yours is, is flooded with posts sending out support for the victims of such tragedy. I’d estimate about ninety percent of these posts include the word “pray”. Thousands of people are praying for the countless families affected by such horrible, uncontrollable events.

My problem with these prayer posts? Absolutely nothing, even as a non-believer. Any support for people in distress is never a bad thing, right?

Unfortunately, the .09 percent of my facebook friends that aren’t religious (and that are unapologetically outspoken) have decided to speak out against these “prayer posts”. One in particular posted a status that says something like, “Interesting how your god picks and chooses who to bless and who to curse. Interesting how we pray to god to help the families that that same god didn’t protect.” And in true facebook fashion, all hell breaks loose with a long chain of “Oh no he did NOT” comments but sprinkled with some sugar coated holy ghost on top.

Now even though I, being of sound mind and judgement, whole-heartedly agree with his sentiments, even though I notice the clear oozing of naive, contradictory, regurgitated Christian jargon in the comment section (I think it’s simply non-sensical to praise god at all times but never question or place blame on him when shit hits the fan), I just can’t help but wonder…what the hell is the point of a post like this? What the hell is the point of pointing out your disagreements with any faith-based belief in the light of tragedy or not?

Now it’s clear why believers would preach their sentiments all day. Sharing is caring and shit. And why keep all that peace, love and soul to yourself? So, I get it.

But when the tables are turned it just doesn’t make sense to me. What does a non-believer get out of arguing with a believer. Do you think you’re really going to change this person’s mind? Are you expecting them to say, “Whoa! I’ve had this conversation a million times but the way YOU say it makes complete sense!” We all know that’s not happening and even if it did…what type of satisfaction does that leave you? “Yay, I’ve stripped someone of their most precious beliefs!” That seems like there’s a little sadistic cray cray in there, my dude.

To play devil’s advocate, I know how frustrating it can be to listen to a person’s beliefs that make absolutely no sense to you. It’s hard to sit on your hands and bite your tongue while people go on and on about what all seems like bullshit in your mind. But have you ever walked away from one of these confrontations feeling any kind of good? Even when entering with nothing but cool, calm and collected intentions, we all walk away feeling the urge to sip on that Jesus juice.

I wonder if there’s any bitterness involved. The whole thing reminds me of telling children there is no Santa Clause. I don’t want to minimize the beliefs of…believers but this is the best analogy I can make to express my feelings. Would you ever tell a child there is no Santa Clause and they’re batshit crazy for believing so? If you answer yes than you are simply not cool. This is how I feels about adults and their Santa Clause. He gives them comfort and comes through for you about once a year while you tirelessly try to be good for him all year round. If you think that pov is nuts…who effing cares! Suck on your candy cane and leave these people in peace.

This is why I wonder if bitterness is involved. Did someone ruin “Santa” for you so now you feel the need to spread such brutal truth? Or are you really THAT bothered by this imaginary and childlike belief system that you can’t let the people drink their kool aid? ESPECIALLY when people are mourning a natural disaster. Do we really gotta start debatin shit and shit right now? I wouldn’t think so.

So what say you? Is it appropriate for non-believers to discredit the religious beliefs of others? They have every right but, what is the point? What does it accomplish and why is it so important to accomplish it? Well, I guess for equality’s sake. But still, besides that…can’t we just let the children have their fairy tale? Hmph, that was all kinds of a back handed defense of the religious folk. What can ya do.

Click To Comment...

Let me go ahead and get this disclaimer out of the way. I’m not saying (or implying) that competition is bad or even unnecessary. However, I do ponder whether or not we give the concept too much value. Sometimes it seems like it does us more harm than good. Human beings are the dominant species on this Earth not just because of our intelligent brains, but also because of our ability to cooperate and live in large cohesive groups of people working together for survival and progress. It didn’t have all that much to do with outsmarting the other smart species in the animal kingdom (although that helped when it came to finding animals to eat and escaping predators). I grew up as the stereotypical sports worshipping American male. It never even crossed my mind to question the value of competition itself, because competition was so exciting and preferable. It wasn’t even a matter of choice, it was more like a matter of life (the fun part). Back then competition only sucked when I lost. Nowadays as an adult I realize that competitio can be and often is overdone (hell me and a close friend fell out temporarily over a game of Madden just this weekend). A popular term to use in American vernacular is “winning” (thanks Charlie Sheen) and people use it interchangeably with “achieving” or “suceeding”. The problem with the concept of winning being so important is that when someone wins, someone else has to lose (and we already know quite a few folks tend to be sore losers).

Anu Partanen wrote an article for The Atlantic about how Finland’s kickin the United States’ ass in education and it’s because of how radically different they approach education over there. There are quite a few differences actually (you should read the article, it’s VERY interesting), but I want to focus on the one that makes my point about competition being overrated (obviously).

“And while Americans love to talk about competition, Sahlberg points out that nothing makes Finns more uncomfortable. In his book Sahlberg quotes a line from Finnish writer named Samuli Paronen: “Real winners do not compete.” It’s hard to think of a more un-American idea, but when it comes to education, Finland’s success shows that the Finnish attitude might have merits. There are no lists of best schools or teachers in Finland. The main driver of education policy is not competition between teachers and between schools, but cooperation.”

I really like how the author worded that. Our culture doesn’t seem to balance it’s emphasis of competition with enough prioritizing of cooperation and inclusiveness. Plus we forget to emphasize that “it doesn’t have to always be a competition”. It’s like we’re all programmed to secretly (or if you’re a rapper or obnoxious male under the age of 21, not so secretly) want to one up each other. It’s implied that the most desirable resources in life (money, prestigious jobs, access to high quality mates) are scarce and only attained by those who are the most competitive. This can and often does lead to a fairly cutthroat environment. The dating world is where this becomes obvious. Slut shaming is a popular topic of conversation in academia, but in the real world it’s not going to get solved any time soon because some of the main people who perpetuate it are women. Why? Because many women feel like they’re in competition with each other. Everyone’s trying to get the upperhand in a competition (all is fair in love and war). The problem is most things don’t have to be a competition. Dating for instance should be mostly about cooperation. We should be putting our energy towards finding the people who want to be on our teams and create mutually beneficial arrangements/relationships for each other, however because of our culture’s values people naturally get caught up in trying to compete with other people who have similar desires. Jealousy is an emotion that often comes from natural competition. It’s pretty much evidence of a competition that people don’t usually even realize is going on.

I’m really torn on how much of a role competition should play in our society, because the nature of capitalism (which doesn’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon) and scarcity means that competition is a vital and intrinsic part of our lives. There’s only so many good jobs, so much labor/supply, and so many dollars to go around. People have to be competitive to some degree and make sure that their skills exceed those of the other applicants. Plus anytime you want something (or someone) that many other people also want (which happens a lot), unless there’s an unlimited supply (which is rare) then there has to be competition. If you suck at competition you’ll ususally walk away empty-handed. So obviously we need to have some competitiveness and we can’t escape competition completely, but how can we minimize its importance in society? If we did would we see the improvements that Finland’s education system saw?

Another very interesting point made about education reform in America and what we should be copying about Finland is the problematic nature of grades (a less than obvious form of competition). Many educational psychologists have argued against grades because of their negative effects on students’ learning (Crooks, 1933; De Zouche, 1945; Kirschenbaum, Simon, & Napier, 1971; Linder, 1940; Marshall, 1968). The studies suggest that grades tend to diminish students interest in whatever they’re learning(it starts feeling more like a job than a hobby/learning endeavor), create a preference among the students for the easiest task possible (to increase their likelihood of getting the best grade) and reduce the quality of the students’ thinking (they become more concerned with finding what they “need to know” for the test than fully grasping all the nuances of the subject). This is all contrary to what grades aim to do (which is encourage students to achieve and demonstrate mastery of a subject) so clearly we should be at least considering this argument against grades right? What about my arguments against competition being treated like such a paramount value to a productive society?

Should we be working on minimizing the value of competition in education? What about dating? What about music (it’s art, should an artist actually give a shit about competition) ? Is competition overrated in America? Is sports considered such a great socialization tool because of the compeitive element or is it more due to the cooperative team element that teaches people to work together towards a common goal? If we were less competitive and emphasized/respected people who improved the quality of life for the community more than those who were simply “successful” as individuals would we be better off? How can we balance out this culture of rugged individualism and cutthroat competitiveness with cooperation and a sense of pride in community? Should we be aiming to be more inclusive and utilize all members of society or do they just need to get it together and be more competitive since it’s a dog eat dog world? Talk to me people.

Click To Comment...

T.Q. Fuego:

Talking to people in person and reading social media and blogs has taught me that apparently common sense isn’t the same for everyone. There are certain things that require more critical thinking than we feel like giving, but some things are pretty obvious. At least they seem like it until you hear other people who just don’t get it. These people ask questions that make you think “Is (s)he serious? The answer couldn’t be more obvious.” Witty P and I have a few specific topics in mind that fit the bill.

1) That men will fake relationships- There’s supply and then there’s demand. The majority of women would like a relationship (eventually) even if they aren’t actively looking for one. Casual sex may be the preference for most (young) men, but in real life many men just don’t have the personality that pushes the casual sex buttons in the women they meet. The result of this is a lot of women giving men ultimatums or at the very least verbalizing (and pressuring him with) her desire for “something more serious”. There’s only so many times the average guy is gonna do the right thing and give up his consistent sex with an attractive chick who’s interested/invested in him for the sake of morality and someone else’s best interest. You know what they say “Women fake orgasms. Men fake relationships”. There are reasons for both and both reasons are obvious to me.

2)Why America enjoys Southern rap more than rap from other regions - My brother gave me a nugget of wisdom that he heard about this topic. “Northern rappers are like poets. Southern rappers are like preachers.” I thought that was a great summary. Southern rappers view music as entertainment and a means to an end. They focus more on their audience’s emotions and mood rather than their mind. Southerners specialize at party music that helps you make the most of your intoxication. The music’s purpose is to be upbeat and give listeners carefree energy. It’s like escapism and an excuse to dance and act a fool. Northern rappers on the other hand are more focused on their lyrics and the perceived quality and merit of their craft. It takes a hip hop purist to appreciate this approach consistently. The majority of the people who listen to rap nowadays are just casual fans with stubborn (and frustratingly simple) attention spans and preferences in entertainment. These people generally don’t care that much about creativity, eloquence, lyrical content, or rap as an art form (ie “real hip hop”). They just want to hear a memorable track with a cool beat, a catchy chorus, and a rapper with a charismatic or entertaining delivery (with a few memorable punch lines) to put them in a favorable mood. How many times have we heard the cliché “It ain’t what you say. It’s how you say it.”? Not to mention emcee means move the crowd…right?

3)That dating is shaped by power dynamics- Wouldn’t it be so magical if everybody was just honest, forthcoming, considerate, and realistic about why they were dating and who they really wanted in the first place? Unfortunately this isn’t the case. Why? Well, because it’s not easy at all to find single people who you find attractive AND vice versa who want the exact same type of relationship or arrangement as you. Therefore most people who are attracted to each other find themselves in a conflicting interests type of situation. That means a negotiation is necessary and inevitably one person will have more leverage than the other. The person without leverage will want it to work out more than the other person. This automatically creates a power dynamic (even if it shifts back and forth over time) and most people will use this to their advantage when it suits them. This is why people play games, manipulate each other, and pursue certain situations over others. Everyone wants a specific relationship dynamic. Strangely not everyone wants to have the upper hand, some people prefer to be at the mercy of other people. A lot of people consistently audition for the victim/unappreciated role. It’s not hard to get that part either.

Witty P:

1. He’s Never Gonna Change- One of my favorite movies of all time is When Harry Met Sally. Why? Because I have a vagina and degrees. The film is smart, romantic and the writing is simply orgasmic. In the movie, leading lady, Sally has a best friend that is dating a married man that she’s convinced will leave his wife for her one day. Although she starts out convinced she suddenly (and then repeatedly) has the epiphany that he’s never going to leave his wife.

She laments, “I don’t think he’s ever going to leave her.”

To which Sally can only appropriately reply, “NOBODY thinks he’s ever going to leave her.”

How everyone can see that a cheating married man will never leave his wife besides the naive mistress is beyond me. I frequently tell my friend she’s acting like the “When Harry Met Sally best friend” when the guy she’s interested in (who has a girlfriend) sleeps over and then doesn’t call for weeks, makes coffee plans then never shows, or plays whatever other games the players are playing these days only for her to make excuse after excuse for his behavior only to come to the inevitable conclusion (at least twice a month) that he’s, “never going to love me!” Um…no shit, my love. No shit.

2.Over Compensation- I’m coming to realize that these” is that not obvious” situations are obvious to everyone except for whomever is emotionally invested in the situation, usually tooooooo invested. Picture it. You can picture it because you’ve been there. We all have. Someone has a crush on you, they’re just totes gaga for your booty and they don’t hide it. As SOON as you tell them you don’t feel the same the over compensation ensues. They must save face. They are now suddenly the self-proclaimed hottest thing around and “eeeeeeeverybody” wants them. They painfully, awkwardly, and uncomfortably tell you about all the people that love them. People that did not exist yesterday all to try and make themselves appealing, make you jealous, and over compensate for the fact that they got rejection pie thrown right in their kisser! They try to look cooler and cooler while you are painfully aware of their obvious efforts. Awkward.com There are about five million more over compensation examples, like when those gosh darn tables are turned. I’ll stop here though.

3. Celebrity Divorce- Them jokers should know it’s not going to work out! Falling in love on set is not falling in love. It’s acting, getting caught up in the moment and… good lighting! Is that not obvious?

What is painfully obvious to you that others just don’t seem to get? Or should we already know because it’s so…obvious? Hmmmmm…

Click To Comment...

I struggle with non-fiction writing which is exactly why I’m a blogger. What? Right. It makes no sense but neither does life so just eat the cake Anna Mae and don’t worry about it. Every week I ask friends sooooooo what do you think I should write about? And they say, “It must be Tuesday night.” Sigh. This is where I proceed to write about how I ask them for topic suggestions and they give me dozens to which I respond from the following pool of phrases:

No.

Hell no.

That’s dumb.

I refuse to write about that.

If I read one more article about that I’m gonna finally jump so I’m definitely not gonna write about it.

Yeah! I’ll do that! …well, no. Give me another suggestion.

And then sometimes they just get the blank stare.

I then planned to proceed by labelling myself a “High Maintenance Friend” listing clear signs of such exhausting acquaintances. But the truth is my dear dear readers, I’m gonna be honest with you, both of you, I’m really not that much of a high maintenance friend and that’s not what’s on my heart anyway.

I’ve been going through a bit of a rough time. I hate to talk about it because it leaves me so vulnerable but it’s hard for me to write about favorite sex positions or my top five worst dates when I’m going throuuuuugh it. I have a terrible poker face and am way too open for my own good. I can’t help it yet always regret it. This may be a theme in my life.

Anywho… I guess my question for the day would be what exactly do you do when you have a problem that no one can fix, not even yourself and when people give you advice you simply envision punching them in the jaw. Its the only thing that makes you feel even slightly better.

Now, I got some advice from my two besties today that actually helped me a lot. The first told me…”don’t react to temporary things as if they’re permanent” and the second told me to meditate and if I didn’t it would be my loss. My besties tend to play good cop/bad cop without knowing it. They don’t even know each other. But one will hold my hand while the other slaps my face. I love them. Anyway.

If you don’t have awesome besties like me, hell even if you do, sometimes you just struggle with situations that seem impossible. You want help, you want things to change but then when someone tries to help you, it’s not that you don’t want the help, its just that you almost don’t feel physically capable of accepting and applying the help.

When my friend initially told me to meditate my initial (internal) reaction was omg stfu I can’t meditate! Its not gonna help. I’m too sad. I’m just gonna sit there and cry! I was defensive, irrational and emotional.

This post might be about depression.

I don’t mean to be so elusive. My big struggle in life is being a single mom. I am totes and legitimately not cut out for this job, although I do it well. I can’t write about being a single mom because I think it just opens opportunity for generalized social commentary and lots of judgement from lots of different angles and the humanistic aspect is completely lost.

What the hell is this woman talking about?

I don’t know but it was hard for me to come up with an arbitrary yet focused topic for the day. I guess I just needed to be honest with myself and give a little shout out to those of us who can feel utterly hopeless at times. Its not forever but when it is here…its a doozy, let me tell ya.

Soooooo. Ever get that feeling of hopelessness? Like no one can help you, not even yourself? Like advice is nothing more than a dagger to the side? It’s not but, does it ever feel that way? Like the person is underminding the severity of your situation with what sounds like canned, shallow cliches even if its not. Am I the best blogger ever??? Known for her focused precision??? Write a random comment or your favorite joke and we’ll be besties for life.

Click To Comment...

Men often complain (myself included) about how society won’t let us be ourselves. A good example is the way so many passionate, emotionally wounded, or just politically inclined women make it a point to make men feel shame or guilt about our seemingly natural tendency to objectify women and fixate on their physical composition when we pursue sexual relationships with them. As an empathetic person who is hell bent on being as objective as possible, I definitely can understand how men’s enthusiasm in stating and acting on our visual stimulations can get old real fast. Seems like it could make you feel uncomfortable, dehumanized, and not appreciated as an individual. This is why I have to admit that they have valid points. Objectifying women is a slippery slope. That being said when men try to apply the golden rule to this, the idea seems not only acceptable but even PREFERABLE. Of course we would want ladies to objectify us by default right? Men say it all the time “I want you to objectify me” and no doubt in certain situations and when it’s favorable or flattering to the guy then yes, I think this is undoubtedly true. Still though, I don’t think men really think it through and give themselves an honest answer when they ask themselves the question “Would I want women to objectify us like we objectify them?”

On the surface it seems like Utopia. A world where women would feel comfortable walking up to male strangers in bars and saying “Listen. I don’t mean to be rude but the way your chest is poking through your shirt is making my lady parts tingle…plus I noticed that nice size bulge in your pants, hope you know how to use it”. That would seemingly make casual sex arrangements easier than taking candy from a SLEEPING baby. It may or may not take the fun out of the whole process after a while . This could actually be a good thing…but I digress. We think we would love this except there would be some unwanted side effects of this instant nympho drug that otherwise sounds perfect. What are these negative side effects you ask?

1)You’d often be compared to men who are physically superior- We as men are socialized (and perhaps hardwired too) to compete and one up each other for the top spot. This helps us at times when a competitive nature is beneficial, but the downside to this is way more harmful. The fact of the matter is that in certain areas you’re gonna come up short to some (or a lot) of your competitors. Our egos and self-esteem tend to be interwoven in these physical characteristics as is, but can you imagine if women valued these features (in terms of sexual attraction alone) in us as much as we value them in women. We all know that some things are beyond our control. Just as you can feel incredibly virile and masculine when you get a compliment on your physique, facial features, or package from an attractive chick is how inferior you could feel when she clamors over a guy who has more. Yep, all things physical are relative buddy. Better have an unshakable sense of self-esteem that ain’t tied to your physical manhood. It’s real outchea in these theoretical Utopian streets.

2)Your personality would lose it’s power- Men often complain about how much influence our behavior or personality has on women’s sexual attraction to us. That’s the wrong way to look at it. It’s like our trump card/secret weapon. The fact that women don’t rely on mostly the visual for stimulation gives us a unique privilege. We get to upgrade ourselves from a visual 6 in her eyes to a 9 (maybe even a d*mn 10) just by consistently behaving in ways they find super attractive. Women’s sexuality as it is in real life rewards individuality to a large extent (luckily for us). As long as your individuality comes with confidence, non-neediness, and whatever other qualities the particular woman in question finds most attractive then you can get her going in ways your physical appearance could never achieve by itself. If they were sexually wired like us, none of your clever wit, stylish individuality, swag, sense of humor, quirks, or charismatic presence would mean a damn thing when it came to getting laid. In this so-called Utopia either you got a face/body she’s tryna explore or not. She got a icebox where her heart used to be and whatnot.

3)You’d probably become paranoid that she’ll never be satisfied- A lot of men deal with this anyway for one reason or another (her prior promiscuity being a common reason) but if women made as much of a fuss about how important men’s physical build and endowment were we’d have to live with the cloud of her longing for more physically appealing men at all times (hmm, maybe this is somewhat similar to what they go through with the whole weight thing). Most men would be hung up and constantly stressed or discontented about this possibility even when they know she’s solely in love with them and doesn’t intend to cheat or leave them. No dude wants to feel like the love of his life isn’t that attracted to him sexually, but she’s bubbling with lust for several other fellas. Men would NOT be able to have peace of mind if women’s sexuality mirrored that of young men. What can I say, one of humankind’s most common fears is that of inadequacy?

What do you guys think? Is the idea that men want women to objectify them a myth or is it just overstated? Would you add another side effect to my list? Do you agree or disagree with the side effects I listed? What if women just objectified us a little more than they currently do? Would that be beneficial to everyone? Would such a world only heighten men’s insecurities? Would it matter if the majority of men were getting laid consistently? Talk to me people

Click To Comment...

I’ve loved Will Smith before I even knew what love was. Picture it: I’m about five years old and a new show comes on television entitled “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air”. My parents, older sister and I gather around the television to enjoy new chocolate faces on the screen! I’m lying on a body pillow that I share with no one, sucking my thumb and then it happens. He appears. I know not what this feeling is but the moment I see his face, I know… I love him. And it isn’t just a physical love, I’m five years old! But there is just an instant connection. Twenty-one years later, the connection is still there. Does Will Smith know he is my kindred spirit? A sort of older brother, best friend, inspiration, weekend lover, husband, soul mate for life mix? Of course not, silly! But I know. And this carries me through the rainy days

Willy is my extreme example but there are others. Famous people I know I would connect with if they weren’t famous. When I was in college there was a man that I always had these silent, sensual moments with but we never spoke. He’d give me the look while I’d wait for my boyfriend to get out of class every Tuesday and Thursday in the Math building. He wanted to say hi, I wanted to say hi but we couldn’t. He knew whom I was waiting for. The Negro that eventually provided me with my one true heartbreak but aaaaanyway. That’s another story. Me and this man I used to share looks with became facebook friends somewhere down the line and to this day I always want to write him and say, “Hey, remember me? The girl you stared at in college? We should totally get together!” But, I can’t send this message. “Why,” you ask? Because he’s a famous NFL player now! I’d look like a total groupie! Damn fame. Gets in the way of everything.

But enough of the crazy, let’s keep it light, shall we? We’ll just stick to friendship. Let’s discuss the famous people that your gut tells you are ‘cool peoples’, the ones that don’t seem to have that facade and you know you’d be friends with them in real life. Like, if you met before they blew up you know you’d totes be in the entourage. Here’s our lists.

Witty P:

1. Lena Dunham- Lena Dunham is the creator and star of HBOs dramedy Girls. If you haven’t seen Girls… see it, unless you’re a guy. It will most likely annoy the heck outta you. I have a feeling that Lena Dunham is pretty similar if not, the same damn person as her character on the show, Hannah. One of those, “I rock at this character because well, I’m playing me ” type things. And let me tell you, this girl Hannah is the carbon copy of every best friend I’ve ever had. My current bestie (for life) is a single gal dwelling in NY pretty much living the same exact life as Dunham’s character. She’s neurotic, well-spoken, irrational, completely boy crazy…about boys that don’t treat her well, selfish yet caring, and if she had a dog she’d totes call it her baby. We’d be besties for sure.

2. Dave Chappelle- I met Dave Chappelle on the streets of Denver once before he was too too big. He was walking around with a skateboard and a white guy smoking a cigarette. My friends and I went up to him to say hi and he was super down to Earth and told us some random ass story about a store clerk who had just pissed him off. The white guy just nodded his head and dropped a couple “yup”s. But Mr. Chappelle was so down to Earth he reminded me of the fun high guys I used to hang out with in high school that distracted me in math class. Plus, he went crazy. I love crazy. Besties for life!

T.Q. Fuego:

(Note: I took 45 extra minutes trying to think of a celeb after I realized Witty P took Dave Chappelle from me)

Will Ferrell- I haven’t even seen but a few of his movies, but I know that I THOROUGHLY enjoy laughing and acting a fool in public with total strangers. Who else could take care of both of these needs effortlessly with a straight face? A guy like this would make a shitty day with little to no activity into a good time. He’d also turn a decent event into an epic and unforgettable night just off the strength of how hilarious and full of foolishness he can’t help but to be. I can’t imagine a room with much tension or awkwardness in it after he’s been there for more than a minute or two. Imagine him there all night with alcohol and women. I just can’t see how such a night would end badly or disappointing.

Shaquille O’neal- Again, I just can’t resist friends who can make me laugh effortlessly and say and do foolish things with a straight face. Shaq would be the most conspicuous friend ever and even if he wasn’t a famous athlete we’d have no choice but to constantly strike up conversations with strangers. Even if he wasn’t goofy, charismatic, and down to earth he’d be an icebreaker without saying a word. When the whole world wants to ask you “How tall are you?” there’s essentially no ice to break. The interaction just flows like water instead. Shaq’s witty remarks and goofy dance moves and pranks would bring the best out of everyone we came into contact with. I’d totally feed off his energy and piggyback on his seemingly benevolent boldness and deadpan humor. He’s an intersting interaction with strangers waiting to happen.

What about you people? Which celebrities do you think you’d bond with or like to hang out with if they weren’t famous? Which ones remind you of someone you know (or used to know)? Do you have an all-consuming crush on any celebrity like Witty P and Will Smith? Which ones seem down to earth? Which ones do you feel you have the most in common (or the best chemistry) with? Digame gente TGIF!

Click To Comment...

The greatest American cowboy on the big screens of old, John Wayne, once said, “I have found a certain type calls himself a liberal . . . Now I always thought I was a liberal. I came up terribly surprised one time when I found out that I was a right-wing conservative extremist, when I listened to everybody’s point of view that I ever met, and then decided how I should feel. But this so-called new liberal group, Jesus, they never listen to your point of view . . .”

Well, my first reaction to this quote was, “Love your movies (well, some of them) but screw you dude! Conservative extremists don’t listen to no damn body and sexy liberals, like myself, are all about open dialogue and consideration of alternate ideas!”

Then after a quick thought I concluded that I was full of shit and ol’ Duke (his nickname… I know this as a pseudo film buff) was completely right.

Unfortunately (well, that’s TBD), I identify with this progressive yet closed-minded individual that Mr. Wayne describes. Hello, my name is Witty Pseudonym and I’m a liberal bigot. Now, he might have taken things a little too far with “they never listen to your point of view” but I see his point. There are many POVs that I have heard and simply rejected. Now here comes the bigotry. If I’ve heard your POV and I disagree with it, I REFUSE to listen to your reasoning, examples, and/or anecdotes that “support” your dumbass theory. Fuck you, I don’t care. Now, I think right-wing conservative extremists have this same problem, for sure, but as a liberal, we are NOT supposed to conduct ourselves in such a close-minded, reeking of the past, religious, conservative, misogynistic, intolerant manner! We are supposed to wave our rainbow flags of tolerance high in the sky and love eeeeeeeverybody! After all, that’s what Jesus, the liberal of all liberals would do, right? Don’t you just love when liberals use Jesus as a pawn to make conservative, religious folk look hateful and stupid? I kinda do. Anywho. Not the point.

THE POINT IS! My ass is NOT tolerant of a looooooooot of beliefs. And there are a few that I can’t even write about anymore, or talk about, and I damn sure am not going to engage in a debate concerning these topics because my opening argument, first rebuttal, second rebuttal, and closing argument will all consist of the same exact statement:

“You’re so dumb, you make my hair hurt, now don’t talk to me you bat-shit crazy moron.”

Now, don’t get me wrong. I can be open to dialogue on topics that… I believe warrant dialogue but some things are just black and white to me.

A short list:

Homosexuality- If “Just keep it away from me” “It’s not natural” or “We will all have to stand before God one day so it’s not my problem” or any variation of the above statements have come out of your mouth in the last … six months, just don’t talk to me. I have no interest in debating this topic, I have no interest in praising professional athletes that come out of the closet (although I realize how hard that must be), and I have no desire to try and educate/inform/explain/sympathize with/relate to anyone that has a problem with homosexuality. I think you’re stupid and that’s all I have to say. Totes bigotry, right?

Religion- This one is tough. There are a lot of caveats and sub-sections in this topic. I’ll just try to be brief. Religion can be a good thing. My past “walk with Jesus” produced some of the greatest, most peaceful times of my life. I think relationships with higher beings can be very beneficial to a human’s life… however, if you wanna be real about it… the whole thing is so man-manipulated at best and pure make belief at worst. I hate to be the asshole that diminishes such important beliefs to others but… I just might be becoming that asshole. Sorry? I’ll just say that whenever someone gives God credit for every random ass, positive coincidence in their day, I just can’t stomach it. When someone discusses overcoming the struggle between the spirit and the flesh I want to punch them in the face. When someone tells people in impossible situations to pray without ceasing I want to tell them to go take plenty of unceasing seats. These are just gut reactions, I can’t engage in debate about them b/c if you disagree with me, there’s no convincing anyone either way (see my repetitive debate statement above).

Slut Shaming- I mean I guess we can have a discussion about what is a slut, is it gender specific, should these people feel shame, etc. but I’m pretty sure the conversation would turn into some misogynistic mess and ain’t nobody got time for that! I would need to work under a completely new paradigm in order have such a conversation although this new paradigm that I crave most likely wouldn’t allow for such convos so… yeah, never mind then.

See? I’m your typical liberal bigot. Is this a bad thing? I don’t think so (when it comes to these topics). If I thought it was bad I would change it but I don’t so I’m not… suck an egg. I’m feeling hostile today. I need sugar. Well, what I really need is… ugh, never mind. Now when I think about it, being so close-minded couldn’t possibly be a good thing, could it? To just shut a person’s argument all the way down off the break is a sign of immature, stubborn pride. That… or, I just know what the eff I’m talking about and you don’t… which is rarely the case. I guess I’m just tired of certain conversations and stand proud in my close-minded bigot-drenched beliefs. Take that Duke!

What about y’all? Any fellow liberal bigots out there? Is this something you’re proud of or something to work on? Do I need sensitivity training or should I just accept the fact that I am intolerant… of bulllllllshit?

Click To Comment...

Going to college far away from rural Georgia (where I grew up) was an eye-opening experience for me. I got exposed to many different races, classes, cultures, and nationalities of people from all over the world. What I learned was that people are more similar than they want to admit. Ironically one of the biggest similarities is how much they try to emphasize their differences. I used to not understand why this was so important to do, until I lived a while longer and saw how important the concept of identity was to people. At first I didn’t understand why a lot of white Americans would act all butthurt or annoyed that I identified as a black person moreso than an American. I thought the reasons for this were obvious and that they were being ridiculous by not being able to put themselves in my shoes, until I had my own humbling moment of (what felt like) rejection as it pertains to shared identity. I don’t even remember the context or the exact conversation, but it hit me like a 2 ton brick when my girlfriend at the time (a Nigerian-American who lived in the states her whole life) said she identified more with her ethnicity (African or Nigerian) than with her race (black). I felt so alone and incompatible at the time, but I can’t say I was mad at her, just hurt (I know, it sounds melodramatic right?). It made me realize that even people we share one aspect of identity with don’t always identify with us as much as we may have hoped. Identity is complex like that and mostly depends on the individuals in question and what they feel like shapes their lives the most.

Recently a debate on a blog about another topic (maybe interracial dating or some other cliché subject) led to a (black) male commenter making the comment that race is the first thing people notice about you. A female commenter stated that she disagreed. She said it was gender. Years ago I would’ve thought she was just saying that to play the whole “you can’t relate” card or to prove some other point, but this time I immediately agreed. I felt that she was right mainly because gender’s less likely to be ambiguous than race, but it’s definitely the first thing you notice (it’s not even a conscious realization)about a person. Of course I wouldn’t have thought of this as a male (my gender’s not considered “other”). Identity is important and can shape our lives for better or for worse, but I wonder if we should be careful about it. After reading Eckart Tolle and hearing him give an entirely different perspective on what the “ego” is (essentially it’s anything we identify with as being our “true self” that has to do with circumstance, image, perception, past experiences etc;) the more I started realizing that identity is a powerful concept that has the potential to do humanity as much harm as good. How on Earth could identity be harmful? Glad you asked.

1)It can create an “us versus them” mentality- The propaganda that created racism and the propaganda that created patriotism (to obscure imperialism) are the most obvious examples of this being done intentionally, but most of us perpetuate the mentality unintentionally all the time . Tribalism is a primal instinct of ours that seems to have caused humanity more destruction than creation. Society’s a lot better than it once was, but even today our (excessively) loyal allegiances to our own demographic seem to breed more racial tension, xenophobia, homophobia, religious intolerance, and sexism than people want to admit. Even the Internet message boards are a perfect example of useless men vs. women and conservative vs. liberal shouting matches and hissy fits. Believing that on some level it really is “us verse them” is a mentality that often leads to all kinds of bias, discrimination, prejudice, and disrespect at best (and violence/war at worst). The bottom line is that it tends to throw off our balance of empathy. We start empathizing more with people we can identify with and being more insensitive to the people who aren’t “one of us”. We even start to empathize with criminals as victims (O.J. Simpson anyone?). In short it makes us forget that we’re human first and American, (fe)male, black, Christian, or Southern later.

2)It can make you prone to close-mindedness (and ignorance)- A couple of months ago we did a post called What are you a snob aboutand a fellow Southerner mentioned how people in his town were “ignorance snobs”. When I read his explanation I could relate to the feeling, but I told him I think it was more of a case of people being “tradition snobs”. I believe cultural identity is the main reason people cling to traditions (even the dumb, backwards, hateful, and offensive ones) and ideology. Identity has a lot of people stuck in their ways. If I had a nickel for every time I heard a black person say what “black people don’t do” or how “that’s some white folks shit” I’d at least be a hundred thousandaire by now. Clinging to inflexible concepts of identity is the best way to keep yourself inside the box. No one has to limit you when you do it to yourself.

3) It’s usually based on other people- A lot of aspects of identity are about what we do or enjoy most as individuals (what makes us sort of unique), but even then it’s all based on other people. If everyone rode skateboards daily, would certain kids identify as skateboarders? Ok, that may have been a stretch, but think about race and gender. These forms of identity matter most because of the fact that people who don’t share an identity with you can’t relate so they’re likely to judge (or at least perceive) “the way you are”. Their perception could be positive, negative, or neutral, but chances are they have one. This often affects how we allow other people to see us act and what we let people know about us. In short we mostly do things because “we want to”, but a lot of times we want to in order to prove or disprove a point. Also the way other people who share your identity behave is now relevant to what you think is acceptable or normal.

What do you think? How important is identity to you? How important should it be? Does there have to be a downside to identity or will we be fine if we are flexible and willing to expand and adapt our group identity for our individuality as a human being? Are there any more downsides to identity that I forgot to mention? How does class play into identity and complicate the puzzle even more? Will identity ever go anywhere? In what ways does identity benefit individuals and society’s? What 3 aspects of yourself do you identify most with?

Click To Comment...

T.Q. Fuego:

One thing that I’ve noticed about most humans is that they are quite fond of being liked and appreciated by other human beings. Folks can spew all the “I don’t care what people think about me” rhetoric they want, but we’re programmed to be concerned with (at times obsessive about) the way other people see us. If we had our way, most people would either, respect, like, or flat out desire us. I want to focus on that last one, because it’s interesting. I say that because talking to men and women it seems that it’s not enough to be desired. People are picky and specific about how they want to be desired. For instance quite a few women with amazing boobs and great curves don’t want these physical attributes to be the main reason I wanted them in the first place. I guess that’s cool and all, but how come some of these women also have the nerve to ask questions like, “So what stood out about me? What made you approach?” (sigh). That must be how gold digging women feel when they have to answer the “Baby what do you love most about me?” questions from their baller husbands and bfs. People don’t always want the truth, but most of us do want to be desired a certain way with some parts of our appeal having priority over others. Let me and Witty see if we can think of some personal examples:

1) For my physical appearance (duh)- Whether we become cutty buddies, friends with benefits, boyfriend and girlfriend, or husband and wife this is of the utmost importance. I can’t fathom a sexual/ romantic relationship that doesn’t have this as the foundation. I’m not saying it’s impossible, I’m just saying that I don’t want this for myself with any of my partners. I don’t care if it sounds shallow cause I’m not trying to justify the situation with you based on your personality and character primarily despite the fact that I find you to be mediocre looking with a body that’s “not my type”. I don’t want her feeling that way about me either. Neither one is acceptable for me. If I think you’re hot, the feeling needs to be mutual ~~or I won’t ever be able to smile and flirt my way out of trouble~~.

2) For my outlook on life- I’ve spent my whole life developing the outlook I currently have. It took a lot of trial, error, confusion, uncertainty, research, energy, unpleasant objectivity, effort, and disagreement to get to this perspective. My perspective is essentially my accumulated identity. It’s one of the few things I have control over. Despite the fact that I have control though, it’s difficult to manage and at least sort of vulnerable to influence. For this reason I work hard on making my perspective and outlook on life as laudable as possible. In other words, I take pride in my point of view. If the way I view reality is irrelevant or unappealing to you then you’re irrelevant and unappealing to me for the most part. When I say for the most part, I mean you can still get a slot on my casual trysts list if your desire for me at least passed #1 on this list.

3) For my sense of humor- At the end of the day a person’s uniqueness as a human being can be implied by what makes them genuinely smile and/or laugh. If (many or most of) the things I say or laugh at rarely make her laugh, I just don’t see how we could/would be compatible. It’s imperative that you make me laugh and laugh when I say some funny shit. Otherwise I just can’t see myself considering you “a keeper”. I’m a big picture person and I feel like in any romantic relationship (even a friends with benefits situation) a person’s greatest value to you on a day to day basis is how much you enjoy their company and vice versa. The best way to enjoy a partner’s company (besides sex/affection) is to have a GOOD laugh (or several good laughs) with them. If you don’t have the same sense of humor, then you can’t share laughs with each other. If you’re not regularly sharing laughs with your significant other then what the hell are you doing? (besides screwing around)

Witty P:

*Well I AM that girl who’s usually approached because of her boobs and is (kinda) over it so I’m just gonna go out on a limb here and say the physical is a given and list three additional. I’m totes taking my looks for granted but I’m black, I should look thebomb.com forever, right?

1) For my heart- I’m realizing that the things I would want to be desired for are the things I AM desired for in actuality which is… awesome sauce for me! My ex, along with others, always commented on how big of a heart I have. I can’t help but be a very open, kind, caring and sympathetic individual. Bullying makes me cry and outcasts are my peoples. I have a heart for the judged, the forgotten and the lost. Ok, that was too much. Now I sound like Jesus in an interview but… you get the picture. I appreciate my big heart and my ability to genuinely care about people. If someone I want to desire me doesn’t notice this or value it… well, that would be weird and they’d not be for me. Does this sound like I want praise and recognition for my “genuine” heart? I hope not. That’s not happening here.

2) For my quirkiness- Yes, it’s true. I’m a bit of a nut. This is something men usually love forever about me or love initially then get frick frockin annoyed out of their minds over after some time. I will never stop dancing randomly in parking lots or grocery stores, I will always goof off with my kids, I will challenge you to a milk dud eating contest at midnight and give you the side eye if you refuse, If you ask me what I want to do today I will usually suggest coloring, I will bump my Avril Lavigne/Tupac/Bob Marley/Josie and the Pussycats mixtape allllll day and I will need you to join me in all of these activities… or at least love me for them. Am I essentially asking men to desire me for my vast non-sexiness? I think I might be but skinny white girls get that all the time in romcoms, why can’t I?!?!

3) For my boldness- Now I admit, the older I get, the more spunk seeps out of my body (trying to work on that) but I’d say I still have my fair share of boldness in there. To be plain… if you need a docile woman, I’m just not for you. A man that finds my haughtiness hot is hot. I don’t know if haughtiness is the right word to use here but I liked the word play. If I’m dating you or want to date you, I will definitely speak ALL of my mind to you. I will be respectful but am never afraid to tell it like it is. This ain’t my job! If the brashness turns you on… let’s get it.

What about you beautiful people??? How do you want to be wanted?

Click To Comment...

What’s the Most Polite Way to Play Someone

What’s Your Problem, Atheist Dude

Is Competition Overrated

Is That Not Obvious

What Is There To Do

Do Men Really Want to be Objectified

Which “Celeb” Would You Hang With

Are You a Liberal Bigot

What’s Wrong With Identity

How Do You Want to be Wanted